Will I ever learn?  Even though I know, I know, I still can’t stop myself from being so very stupid. Is it programmed in me after months and months and years and years? Will I have a stupid surge of hope every time I’m late? Am I that stupid, that I will continue to punish myself like that?

I was just over two weeks late and I went straight to that place I lived in for so long, the horrid place I spent hundreds of TWW’s in, that hopeful, symptom checking, crazy lady place.

I have had three surgeries, one tube was taken completely and the other was tied. It is practically impossible for my egg (if I ovulate, tests in the past showed I didn’t regularly, without help) and my husbands’ swimmers to meet. But there I was knowing all this, having lived through 5 years trying desperately to have a baby, but still as soon as the realisation that I was over two weeks late hit me,  from somewhere buried deep inside me this hope surged.

I found myself on google, searching if it was possible to get pregnant with your tube tied, and it came back saying a 1% chance.  So there I was, on forums reading about women that have gotten pregnant even though they had their tubes tied. One lady was  in her 50’s and had had her tubes tied for years!

I sat there thinking, what a miracle that would be, after 5 years with the hospital, them giving us the chances of 35% with the drugs and at one point they gave as 50% success rate and it didn’t happen for us. But here I was possibly pregnant with only a 1% chance. What a story, what a miracle!

I starting thinking back to any symptoms I may have had, I’d had a bad back a week ago was that one? My boobs where incredibly sore and sensitive, I was extra tired.

What a miracle this would be.

I went to bed that night with dreams in my head and stroking my belly like a crazy lady.

It was over a year ago that we stopped trying, I knew my chances of conceiving naturally without drugs was so very low, I didn’t ovulate on my own it just wasn’t something my body did without medical help. My chances didn’t exactly get any better after each surgery revealed more damage and took more from me. A natural pregnancy was near impossible.

So why, oh why, did I think I could possibly be pregnant with only one tied tube and no medical help?

I suppose it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out what happen next? The very next day I came on with a vengeance.

I was heartbroken!

What a stupid, stupid woman!