I don’t really go on Facebook very much anymore, it’s not really my thing, I prefer Instagram but every now and then I go on for a little nosey. A few weeks ago I was scrolling through Facebook not really looking at it just thumbing past, when a post caught my attention, now I don’t remember the exact post it was a share of a video clip of a child finding out her foster family had adopted her, it was sweet, one of those heart-warming moments, so lovely.
I decided I wanted to extent the feels I was having, so I looked in the comments (always a risky thing to do on the internet in hindsight) there was a fair few hundred of comments, most lovely, people like me, feeling all the feels. Then I read a comment that confused me, it killed my happy buzz and smashed the daydream that everyone out there’s happy shinny people.
I wish I had remember more so this post had more detail but at the time I didn’t think I would be writing a post about it, but it’s now weeks later and it’s still stuck with me.
The comment I read was long the lines of ‘how lovely! This is a wonderful woman and yet there are selfish people out there that spend thousands of pounds and years of their life trying to have a child, when there are loads of children out there that need good homes.’
I opened the replies, curious to see what others thought.
My surprise – there was a lot of agreement.
There were a couple, in my head I called them warriors, they were fighting for the infertile out there, they rallied against this comment, but they were the minority.
The fact that so many people felt that if you struggle to have a baby naturally you should adopt, not go to the doctors for help, baffled me.
Now I feel quite comfortable saying that these commenters have never suffered with infertility nor had much to do with it. If they had they would not so easily write what they had. They had no empathy. They couldn’t see the world through our eyes, couldn’t feel it through our journey because it was so unknown to them.
What’s that saying about never judging until you have walked a mile in another’s shoes?
I remember sitting on the train to work after reading this, and my mind was whirling, I couldn’t process. What is wrong with people? Why are we so jugdey and lacking in empathy.
One moment I worked myself up to anger at these faceless commenters, the next I felt saddened that people out there couldn’t understand others pain and instead blamed and hurled abuse at them.
Why do so many people feel that adoption is an infertile’s duty?
No one would every dream of turning to a pregnant lady and calling her selfish for getting pregnant when there are children out there that need loving homes, but they find out this pregnant lady had gone through years of infertility battling and her lovely bump was a result of IVF, then it’s suddenly okay to take a moral high ground over her, because she selfishly choose to have IVF instead of adopting.
I’m sorry, I don’t see it.
I have a gorgeous nephew, I would never call his mum selfish for having him. No one would.
Why do some people feel infertility treatment is selfish?
To these people I say nasty things and give them a swift slap in their stupid faces. No in all seriousness, I probably wouldn’t say anything, people like this would never listen any way.
They have their opinion and that’s that.
But how I feel is, adoption is not an infertile’s duty. Adoption is a choice, a great one.
A Child is not a second prize, a booby prize, an if all else fails, last resort, a way to save a grieving couple.
Adoption is not a cure for infertility.
You are not selfish for wanting a child of your own, neither am I.