After my last post about feeling hopfully and happy, this one is going to have a different feeling. I’m having one of those days where I’m feeling down and sorry for myself, I’m reflecting a lot and find myself questioning, am I a bitter person?
Has my journey made me bitter?
I’m starting to think I’ve been twisted somehow, lately I always seem to see the negative, see the worse in everybody and everything so quickly. I tend to pick apart things that have been said to me until I’m sure they were said with malicious intent.
I’m a bitter old woman before I’ve even hit 30!
Our journey through infertility was hard and emotional, it took a lot out of me. Years of infertility, negative tests, broken dreams and hearts left a huge mark on me, I know that, but I never expected bitterness. I never thought I’d be so quick to judge others, to judge mothers with the ease they fell pregnant, to gossip shamefully about the one night standers who fell pregnant.
I resent them all.
Somehow I feel the world is out to get me, I feel anger, hurt and resentful over the lot we have been dealt in life, and please excuse the whining child in me but it’s just not fair.
How can it be that someone can get pregnant the first month off the pill, when I’ve waited and longed for years for a baby? I rage against the world where a drunken one night stand can result in a pregnancy, how is it possible that the stars aligned for them when I charted my temperature, pee’d on ovulation sticks, checked my mucus, had blood tests month after month, all to locate my fertile days, plus I took drugs to boast my chances and I still couldn’t get the result they just stumbled upon. I’m hurt over the big families I see, I’m jealous of their tired expressions and busy child-filled lives.
Sure, I try to be positive, to find the good, I want a happy and fulfilled life but it’s hard! Everything has been so hard for so long now, it was hard trying to conceive, it was hard to hear more bad news after more bad news, it was hard to have drugs fail us, my body fail us again and again, it was hard after each surgery, each disappointment. It was hard to decide to stop.
Now, it’s even hard to be happy, to be positive. Bitter is so easy, comes without any effort, half the time I’d don’t even realise it, and I’m hunting for the ill intent behind every word, I’m looking for a reason to judge people, I’m seeing only the bad.
I feel so fucking unlikeable right now
I worry is that what my future will be? Am I destined to be the old hag, old maid? A bitter old woman?
Is that what infertility has made me?