Its not that bad, I can’t believe I just wrote that. Surely I can’t be feeling and thinking that way. But there are bubbles of time, every now and then, when it doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t make me miserable, I feel happy and fine. Life is good.
To live a childless life, to stop the infertility treatment train and see what else is out there seemed like the end of my world, the end of my happiness, as dramatic as that sounds. I have no doubt at all that I will still feel the bad, my grief is not done and more then likely I will have ups and downs for the rest of my life.
Hope got me through the 5 years (along with my husband and a lot of unhealthy coping measures I developed) and when we made the decision to stop it felt like hope abandoned me, I had nothing to hope for, nothing to look forward to, I was a mess.
Knowing that there will be hours and days where I feel like I do right now, happy and fine with our decision makes everything seem easier. Knowing the good is there and will come, hopefully more frequently, is what I need!
I have found the hope now, a small glimmer of it, and I’m clinging to it. There will be good days, I’m sure that sounds silly, of course there will be good days, everyone has good day, but its not easy to believe in good days when you’re fighting to find something to live for, something to aim for, something in your life that makes you smile when you look to the future. When you are grieving the lose that is infertility, it doesn’t seem like good days are possible.
It’s the same if you lose someone you love, you don’t think you’ll ever be able to find happiness again with out them.
I couldn’t see the happiness, the good or the hope for my future.
But right this minute, its not too bad, I’m happy! I have a loving husband, our own home, family and friends around me, a job i’m happy in, and the possibility that is tomorrow.
I have hope for more good days, I have hope for a good future.