After the decision I felt lost, I was left bruised and battered with no hope for the future. I lived my life in a kind of limbo, with no hope or desire for the future, battling through pain and depression trying to find any hope or happiness without desire is hard. It’s a strange place to be, it’s like being in a changing room at a clothing shop, the lighting is dreadful which makes every flaw or body hang up seem so much worse, it’s too warm, the curtain doesn’t seem to want to close all the way making me worry I’m going traumatise some poor soul with a flash of my backside as I’m bending to change.
It’s an uncomfortable experience but also a good and sometimes fun one. I get to try on an assorted style of clothing, seeing what fits, looks and feels the best. I could be trying on anything from a glamorous dress, punk tops, sparkly tops, ladylike tea dresses or a sexy lacy number. I can reinvent my look a hundred times over in that small cubical if only I can overlook the negatives.
This is the best way I can describe how Limbo feels to me, because it is uncomfortable, it’s makes me reassess my life and to live with the damage our journey caused, but it also opens so many possibilities for me to try on. I could do anything, I could travel, I could move from place to place, I could have a career, I could foster, I could go back into education. I can try on these option like I’m in a changing room, seeing which ones fit best, reinventing myself a hundred times over.
Maybe I feel so stuck in my limbo because I don’t want to make a choice? While I’m in the changing room, I can continue to try on all different lives, wishes and wants. I can still try on the mummy life, but I know as soon as I come out of the changing room that’s it, I make my purchase and head out of the shop, no more trying on options.
But just as I can’t live my life in a changing room, I can’t live my life in limbo, that won’t get me anywhere, I need to move forward in life, I need goals and things to look forward to. If I want a full and happy life I need to work on that, it won’t just happen while I sit around with daydreams in my head, trying on different versions of myself.
Making the decision was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, trying to build a happy and fulfilled life after infertility isn’t any easier.