Our struggles are in the past, it’s been 6 years since we started, a year and a half since my last operation, just over a year since we got off the fertility treatment train. So, I must be over it by now? It’s in the past. Nothing new has happened in ages, we are happy and healthy, so it’s no longer an issue. Right!?
But, am I over it? Can you get over something like that?
Truthy, I don’t think I’ll ever be over it, I don’t think I’ll be over it in 2 years, 20 years or a lifetime. The best way I can think to explain how I feel is to compare it to the grief we feel when we lose a loved one, we grieve, it’s terrible what we go through, the heartbreak at the loss of them, of never hearing them talk or laugh again, but we grieve and we do continue living, that doesn’t mean we don’t feel the loss every day, it may not be as sharp or crippling after a while but the emptiness left by their passing stays with us every day, for the rest of our lives. There is a hole left in our lives by those we lose.
This is how I feel, I am grieving the loss of children I never got a chance to meet, I’m grieving a future full of children and family, I’m grieving a me, called mum and a husband, called dad. I am grieving a world of possibilities that we’ve lost, no first smile, first steps, no family holidays, no terrible twos, no teenage tantrums, no husbands eyes, or grandmothers’ smile, no mother of the bride or groom, no excitement to become a nanny. I am grieving a whole life we cannot have.
There is a massive baby shaped hole in my life.
We never get over our lost loved ones, we carry on, we find our happiness in other things, find joy in the world without them, find out that the world goes on whether we want it to or not. Doesn’t matter if we are grieving, or hurting, we must continue, and over time we learn how to live without them, days become weeks, weeks become years and somehow, we get stronger and happier, we learn how to live and be happy without them, when in our darkest grief filled moments we thought that was impossible.
So, no I do not think I’ll ever get over it, but I will be happy, my husband and I will live a fulfilled life, that’s my aim, to find happiness after infertility*.
*(fingers crossed and wishes to stars, birthday candles and everything else)