It’s been just over a year since we made the decision not to continue with IVF, to step away from the hospital, drugs and the emotional upheaval that came with it.
Looking back over the last year I believe I have made progress but I also feel like I have not moved at all, I feel better in myself, happier, healthier and more together, but at the same time I feel a mess with nothing to look forward to.
I guess I feel like a mess of a person wrapped up in layers of (sometimes failing) optimism.
There are moments in life that I think will always stand the tests of time, you will always remember them even if they do become slightly blurred around the edges, they left too much of a mark upon your heart and mind to ever fade away.
For me the day we made the decision is a memory I will never forget, the build-up, the months of backing and forthing, the sleepless nights, the horrible feeling of walking around with an impossible decision to make, that has all merged into one nasty blur for me. The actual day, the final conversation… now that will stick with me forever.
I’d just finished a night shift, Hubby was home so we went to Costa for a coffee, my idea, my logic was that I don’t do crying in public, so I figured it was a safer place to do it, somewhere it would be easier to fake strength and get through the conversation. We spoke, rehashing conversations we’d had a million times over the last few months. To be honest we’d both already made the decision, we both knew we’d reached the end of this journey, we just hadn’t made it official, by leaving it open and rehashing past thoughts and feelings it was not final, nothing was decided, it wasn’t over. We got to live in a kind of limbo, where there was no IVF, no negative pregnancy tests, not battling infertility but there was no end, the hospital was just a phone call way, the future baby still possible. Our limbo was bitter sweet.
But the time had come, we couldn’t drag our limbo out any longer, we’d had 6 months to talk, reflect, decide. It was time make it real.
Words cannot explain how hard that was, how final that was. I felt my heart break, I felt myself shift somehow, a weight was lifted by finally deciding but instead of feeling lighter and free, I felt empty.
The days and weeks that followed where some of the darkest and hardest of my life, the emptiness I felt, I had no desire for life anymore, things I use to enjoy I had no interest in, conversations, if I couldn’t avoid them I faked my way through, I was numb and hollow.
I had no energy to get me through the day, I just sat on the sofa, not really doing anything, watching telly but not really watching it.
I had near constant headaches which kept me shut away in the darkened bedroom, after about a month I went to the doctors, hubby was worried about me, he said I didn’t seem like me anymore. They gave me tablets for the headaches and some leaflets for self-help and depression and a number for a councillor, I was signed off work for a little while.
I didn’t turn to anyone for help, I couldn’t talk to anyone, I didn’t leave the house for nearly two weeks, I licked my wounds in my dark living room, telly on for white noise, I sat in my pit feeling empty and lost.
My husband was my rock, after he got home from a long day he took care of me, the house and our animals, all the while feeding me hope and reassurance. Over the days, weeks and months that followed he helped me piece myself back together. These days, weeks and months were not as dark as their predecessors but they were still taxing, I’d never had to try to be happy before, it was exhausting, I’d never had to try and find what made me, me before, it seemed impossible.
Looking back over the last year I am very grateful I’m not still in that dark place, I may not have it figured out, nowhere near, but I have come a long way from those days.
(I haven’t posted in a long time, I had an emotional block going on, I’ve mentioned before communicating my feelings is a weakness for me, I suck at it, writing was helping but I hit an unforeseen bump in the road and stalled. I’m working past it now and back writing.)