In life we are taught to give everything our all, if we try our hardest and apply ourselves we will get results. If we stumble or fail we are to pick ourselves up and try again, to never give up, to continue to fight and work for want we want. Yes, this is a good lesson and something I think we should all strive for but one thing that bothers me, does that mean I’m a failure?
Me and my husband choose to stop all fertility treatment and to not have another round of IVF. So because I am no longer fighting for my dream to be a mum, because I’m no longer putting my body, sanity and my husband through all that does that make me a failure?
Is that how I will be viewed? Will people hear my story and think ‘oh she must not have wanted to be a mum that badly or she would have continued’
Is knowing my limit a failure?
Because we couldn’t have continued, those 5 years put us through hell and if we’d continued I’m not sure what would have been left, after more operations, more drugs, more negative pregnancy test, more doctors’ offices, and empty ultra-scans. What would have been left of me, of us? It had pushed me to my limits emotionally, my body perhaps could have taken more rounds of IVF (the side effects were horrid though), bodies are quite resilient but when the heart and head have taken too much punishment is continuing the best course of action? The decision to stop was the hardest decision we have (and will ever) make. I had no more in me to give, so does that make me weak as well as a failure?
I am plagued with a negative view of myself because of our journey, I know this and it is something I’m working on but I do view myself as weak and as a failure and while I am at let’s not forget broken, I am a woman who cannot reproduce without medical help, a woman’s body is made to reproduce and my body can’t even do that. It’s not surprising I view myself as a failure.
So, I must tell myself;
NO, I am not weak! I went through 5 years of emotional hell, 3 operations, countless drugs both oral and ones I had to inject daily, I suffered the indescribable pain of negative pregnancy tests month after month, year after year. I did this all while carrying on with life, I enjoyed everything I could, I went out with friends and celebrated birthday, weddings and new births. Me and my husband brought our first house together and had many adventures to different countries and explored England more with our new puppy. I not only survived 5 years of infertility treatment but I did so while still enjoying what I could. I did it with a smile! I am not weak
NO, I am not a failure either! Knowing my limits is not failure. I wanted (want) to be a mother more than anything in the world, it is something deep inside of me, something I spent most my life dreaming about and planning for. Everything I did was with a family in mind even buying our home, we factored me not working full time once we had a family into our budget, we stayed close to family and brought a house with room to grow. Stopping infertility treatment didn’t mean I was just stopping trying for a baby it meant I was losing a huge chuck of what made me, me. A large part of me was already ‘mum’ just waiting for the baby, I had thousands of plans in my head for a thousand different futures, all of which I was ‘mum’ so what was I now? Not a failure that’s for sure.
Unfortunately I can give myself a hundred pep talks a day but they don’t always stick. I’m a work in progress and that’s okay.