Throughout our years trying for a baby Mother’s Day never really registered to me, it didn’t really affect me. I celebrated with my family, treated my mum and mother in law to afternoon teas, trips to London, family photo shoots, flowers, chocolates etc. I was never really saddened by the day no matter what I had gone through beforehand; operations, fertility drugs, period arriving on the day, for me the day was always about my mum and mother in law, it was never my day, I wasn’t a mother.
So they passed me by, no more filled with grief than any other day during our infertility journey but this Mother’s Day feels different to me. It somehow feels disjointed to the ones that have passed, I am finding myself thinking more of myself than of my mum and dwelling on how I feel about Mother’s Day, what it means to me.
As I’m writing this I’m sat on my sofa, watching Breaking Bad with my husband (yes, we are very behind, but completely hooked) with a glass of champagne, a good Saturday in my eyes, but I can’t stop my thoughts from wondering to tomorrow, to Mother’s Day. I don’t feel sad per se, I feel like tomorrow is a big gaping hole, a missing day in my life. I’m sat here thinking of all the years I spent thinking of ways I could spoil or treat my mum on her ‘day’ and I will continue to in the future, but I can’t stop thinking this will never be my day, which leads my mind down dangerous paths, I start thinking of all the things I will never experience. The children that never were.
As silly as it may sound I loved each child I imaged in my head, every day dream I had of a little girl with my blue eyes and her fathers red hair, or little boy with blonde hair and eyes the colour of chocolate. I loved them all, they were my babies, in my head or not, never to be or not, I loved them. I dreamt of their smiles nightly and day dreams of their adventures got me through challenging situations. In the quiet spaces in my mind I played out our futures and adventures that would never be.
So tomorrow feels empty to me, a day I will never be on the other side of but one I am thankful I can still participate in.