I have always loved March, firstly because my birthday is in March and secondly Spring, the woods I walk my dog in everyday are starting to flower so soon it will be covered in bluebells which is just so beautiful! March is normally a good month with lots of fun things to look forward to and blue skies start to become more frequent.
March is normally when I think the year begins to pick up and start to look new and exciting but this March is even better because I start a new job! I’ve been job hunting since November so this is a relief, money was starting to run low and I was getting lazier and lazier (my weight was climbing too… I always end up in the fridge or cupboards too much when home all day).
So, the morning I started work I woke up feeling happy and excited (nervous and totally shitting myself too). I am looking forward to my first pay package which I am going spend on a haircut! (I know I have wild ambitions). I’m looking forward to the year more, my husband turns 30 in August so I’m planning for that too. I’m turning the page and looking forward.
I’ll be honest I do have to try to be positive, I must put effort into it, I don’t think I am naturally a positive person, I am my own worst critic and I tend to see the negative first, I have to stop and think and boost myself up, smile and look for the positive. Being unemployed highlighted this for me, I was always so quick to put myself down, to feel hopeless about finding a job, I’d pick apart my interviews and find myself lacking at every turn. So, every time I heard that I had not been the successful candidate for a job I was crushed, I knew it was because I was lacking, I was a failure and they could see that about me. (A lot of this attitude I feel is a result of my journey through infertility, it robbed me of a lot more than children)
Finding the positive in my life is something I aim for and try to focus on but every now and then (truthfully more often than not) I struggle to find the positive. I focus on the negative, the fact I can’t have children, I don’t have a job, I have no plans for my future, I have no money. It’s hard to see past the bad, I know everyone has issues or faults in their own life, they have things they want to fix or things they can’t see passed, no ones’ life is perfect!
It’s these thoughts I find a bit of comfort in but they are also crushing, as I didn’t have dreams of grandeur or any great ambition to succeed, I just want a family! Just the normal everyday life nothing overly special, I wouldn’t have even been a footnote in history but that was not my lot in life, what is I still do not know. At this moment in time I am happy and the positive is a little easier to see, so I am trying to hold onto that feeling for as long as I can.