Now I have moved on from infertility treatment I find myself in a bit of a void. I feel like I’m not sure where I belong any more. When I was in the thick of our infertility journey I frequented a forum where I use to go for advice or just for some uplifting reading because I took comfort in the fact that I wasn’t alone, so many women (sadly) where in the same boat as me and talking to these women or just reading what they had to say helped me so much.
After we made our decision I took a hiatus from, well from life but for the sake of this post will stick to internet related topics, I stopped going on all forums or looking for uplifting quotes or seeking likeminded people. I removed it from my life by ignoring that part completely which in hindsight was a grave mistake, as over the last 2 and half months since I’ve put my toe back in the internet waters I’ve found so many voices out there that could have helped me, just as the forum ladies had, by letting me know I was not alone. Having someone to talk to, or to listen to someone that understands, because they have real life experience, that they can emphasise because they know the rocky path you have just travelled down.
About a month ago, I decided to brush the dust of my old forum life and have a look, maybe I would find that feeling of belonging again, but unfortunately, I didn’t find it. The forum was the same, filled with lovely people going through some shitty times, but it was me that was different. I could still relate, I had been there, but I wasn’t still in that place. I felt like I didn’t belong there anymore, because these ladies still had something I no longer had and it was sparkling over every post, even the sad horrible ones, there was hope! How could I stay here with these lovely ladies with my hopelessness, I felt like I was their worse fear lurking in the corner, the fear of failing to become a mother. I couldn’t lurk, I felt I didn’t belong. I’m not saying they made me feel unwelcome, I’m sure if I would’ve reached out some people would’ve reached back that was the nature of that community, but I didn’t want to.
This got me thinking, if I don’t feel like I belong in my old infertility haunts where do I belong? Is there a place out there for a woman like me, that has gone past the treatment stage and come out lacking? Is there a community out there for life after infertility? I’m starting to think yes, I have only been toeing the waters but what I am finding is giving me hope that there are survivors out there and happiness is possible.