I didn’t feel ready to talk for the longest time, when family or friends broached the subject I chose to change it or say the smallest amount possible. I tried hard to be fine, I wanted everyone to think I was fine, as I didn’t want to discuss the decision we had made to stop fertility treatment.
I see now my mistake in this, maybe mistake is a tad strong a phrasing because I coped in my own way, and I’ve already spoken about letting people cope in their own way. Mine was to shut it out, and everyone with it. If I didn’t talk about it, I could pretend life was just going on as normal and that everything was fine. When of course, it wasn’t, and at some point, this façade was bound to slip.
A very lovely lady comment in my When I’m old blog post, she spoke about making her own family her ‘tribe’ and this really registered with me and made me reflect on how I’d spent most of last year pushing people away by not talking to them. How can I build a ‘tribe’ around me if I don’t open up and talk to them?
Therein lies the problem, I am not an emotionally open person, don’t get me wrong I’m a happy person who loves to laugh, I can also be a right grumpy bitch when the mood strikes me, but deep emotional talks I suck at, I don’t like to talk about our struggles or our decisions with anyone, and I mean anyone not my mother or my best friend.
Now, I’m not sure if this comes down to my need to appear like I have my shit together all the time, or that I just find it very hard to open up emotionally to people.
I’m getting to the point now that I want to open up, I want to heal and find my new groove in life, it’s my hope that by writing this blog I’ll find it easier to open up a little and process what I feel and how I deal with everything, but overall I am still uncomfortable talking about it. It’s very painful, I can’t quite put into words how it feels, it’s a hollow pain not constant any more but it is still just as devastating as ever.
When children are brought up in conversation, or any conversation has the chance of leading to my childless state or the fact I can’t have children, I feel a panic rise in me and a feeling of dread fills me. Like I said I’m quite a closed off person emotionally, I struggle to let people see the side of me that is weakest, I don’t like to cry in front of people or show my pain, I prefer to lick my wounds in private.
Now to the crux of it, I think the people closest to me know this, as they don’t mention anything to do with our past struggle anymore. It’s a closed door.
I’m now getting to the point that I’m thinking about opening that door, I need to have a good clear out emotionally and start a fresh but how do you even go about having conversations that hurt so much, the thoughts are bad enough but to voice them out loud and risk the response from others (and it is a risk, people respond to infertility very differently with varying degrees of success) is virtually impossible for me.
So I’ve written it, I think I might have mentioned before but I am a list maker, a doodler, I have an ever present note pad, seriously there’s at least one in nearly every room of my house. I find it cathartic to write things down, my head seems to process things better if I write them, almost as if my mind is such a jumble I need to get things onto paper (which is most likely correct it’s a tad of a mess up there)
Here’s my list of things I never say to my friends and family (but I wish I could):
- I actually cry a lot!
- I want a hug
- I hide my feelings because I think they will make you uncomfortable or you will make me feel uncomfortable with your advice
- I don’t want your advice (unless I’ve asked for it)
- I sometimes need to stay in bed most of the day and feel sorry for myself
- The above makes me feel weak and useless
- I feel like you don’t want me around your child, as whenever we meet up you leave baby with your family.
- I feel like a failure
- I feel very lost in life
- I wish I could talk to you
- I wish you’d understand what I think and feel
- I wish I wasn’t afraid of your response if I was to bring up my infertility
- There’s this thing called the internet, go on google and type in what not to say to someone with infertility, or something of that ilk, please for my emotional wellbeing.
- Please stop telling me that my nephew looks just like my husband or is just like my husband, this hurts because I will never be able to look at a baby that is mine and my husbands and see my husband’s features looking back at me.
- Please don’t ask me if I think I’ll change my mind (or infer I will)
P.s the lady I mentioned is youmeanme from saving without scrimping, if I wasn’t such a novice here on wordpress I would link her, I hope she sees this and knows her comment registered with me and is something I am taking with me into my new chapter in life, Thanks.