Well 2016 is coming to an end, soon midnight will chime and we will start a brand new sparkling year. I was thinking about new year’s resolutions, as I suppose most people do at this time of year, I’m not brilliant at them, sure I make them but I tend not to stick to them. I make the same generic resolutions I think most people make, to lose weight, get healthier, save money, go on holiday, etc. etc. One year my resolution was to be a nicer person because then we were smack bang in the middle of our fertility journey and everyone around me seemed to be having babies, or if they weren’t they were progressing with their lives, moving out, job progression, getting married or engaged, and I was stuck! Stuck in a miserable place, I can’t remember the exact year but I remember the bitter hopeless feeling I had at the time, I was envious of the happiness I saw on social media, everyone seemed to be having a good life, getting what they wanted and here I was stuck in the hell that is infertility. I won’t get into social media too much now, I’ll probably save that little rant for another post, as I think social media is very dangerous for the fragile out there.
I felt I was turning into a bitter, miserable person, I didn’t want to talk about our journey with those closest to me, there was nothing new to report, we were still childless and still going through treatment and operations. I didn’t want to go out overly much, I didn’t want to be around my nephew too much, I found myself snapping at work or talking down to people. I wasn’t me, I was stirring trouble just to watch what happened, I felt miserable most the time and I didn’t want to be like that, I wanted to be happy and easy going, I’ve always been a bit of a ditsy person not a bitchy person.
So, I made my resolution to be nicer, not something I ever thought I’d make but I had let the journey affect me and how I treated people, socialised and thought. I’m slightly ashamed that I let this happen but I’m only human, I was going through a lot and handling it badly. I’m proud that I saw it and tried to rectify it, to see our own faults and look for a solution, I believe, is something to be proud of.
As for this year’s resolutions I’m unsure, like I said I’m not really a resolution person, I have many things I’d like to happen in the new year, I really want a job, a nice holiday and to lose weight but they’re not my resolutions. This is the first year I don’t have my wish, that deep longing wish that, this year is the year of our baby and for the first time in a long time I don’t have a picture in my head of what I want the new year to look like. I am going into 2017 completely blank, maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe that means I can take 2017 as it comes, I can shape it daily, weekly and monthly. 2017 can be whatever it wants to be, I have no pre-planned or pre-dreamed vision of it. I think my resolution is going to be happiness, that’s the whole point of my blog and my general attitude for the last month, I want to be happy.
To figure out how to be happy after infertility.